I just needed to get this out there, whether or not anyone reads it.
My struggle with eating disorders began early, before puberty. I can't say exactly when it started, but when I was about eight is where my memory of it begins.
I was a shy, quiet eight year old. I had few friends and few interests. Nothing really sparked my passion. Nothing got me too excited or happy. That's where food came in.
I was always a "chubby" child, although I didn't really overeat during my early childhood. My family didn't have too much of a problem with food at all actually, other than my mother's struggle with anorexia when she was a teenager. But she was recovered from that, and I didn't see any of that in my early life.
For some reason, though, food became my best friend. I often felt lonely and empty, even as a young child. I didn't know how to fill that void. That's when food became my best friend. I don't really remember how it started. I just remember the nights when I stayed up late until everyone in the house was asleep and ventured my way into the kitchen. Leftovers, snack cakes, bags of chips, ice cream, whatever I could find... I ate it. I would eat and eat until I felt like I couldn't eat anymore. It made me feel at peace for some reason, and I liked it. This continued for a little while, maybe a year or so, before anyone really noticed. I had begun putting on a lot of weight and went from being the chubby kid to being the fat kid. My mom became worried. She would always try to convince me to lose weight. She would take me out shopping and say things like, "don't you wish you were as skinny as the girls in the pictures?" or "this outfit would look so much better on you if you were smaller." Those words hurt, but I continued to eat.
Fast forward to eleven. The fatter I got, the more in love with food I became. I began middle school and began being bullied for my weight. My "best friend" at the time would weigh me every time I went to her house and tell me that if I wanted to hang out with her in public, I needed to lose weight. All of my friends were starting to get boyfriends, and I was the only one who was left alone. You would think with all of the problems my weight caused me, I would start trying to lose. But the lonelier and emptier I felt, the more I ate.
I skipped a grade and soon began high school at age twelve. I went to a magnet school where none of my friends from middle school were going. I felt more alone than ever before. I ate and ate to fill that emptiness with something. Before I knew it, I went from being overweight to being obese. The bullying stopped in high school, but I was still the only girl who wasn't getting boyfriends and that hurt me. I became so self-conscious about my weight, and this developed into social anxiety. I stopped eating in front of people. I ended up skipping breakfast and lunch every day just because I didn't want to eat at school. Every day, as soon as I got home, though, the eating commenced. I would spend the rest of my day stuffing my face and filling the emptiness in my stomach. I continued to put on weight.
When I was sixteen I began my first job at McDonald's. I was now in college (I had graduated early) and still hadn't had one boyfriend. I felt more alone than ever. My bingeing continued, but I found a way to make me feel a little bit better about myself. I remember one day at work I was on break and eating two egg and cheese McGriddles, a hash brown, and a frappe. I would always smoke on my breaks, but for some reason this day I decided to see how many cigarettes I could inhale in that thirty minute time frame. Well, I smoked a little too much and became sick to my stomach. I hunched over the garbage can outside and spilled out my meal. It felt so good. I felt the relief that I soon became addicted to.
I would do this every single day at work until my body became used to the chain smoking and it would no longer make me sick. But this didn't stop me. I knew all about bulimia and the girls who would stick their fingers down their throats and throw up their meals. I gave it a go. It was so easy. Finally, I could eat and eat without fear of gaining more weight. This became an everyday thing for me, and it felt so good. I became addicted to the feeling of the food rushing out of my stomach, up through my esophagus, and spilling out of my mouth.
I was still obese, though. I lost about twenty pounds in this time, but it wasn't enough. When I was seventeen I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for suicidal thoughts (that's another story). Because of my social anxiety, it was nearly impossible to eat with all of those people watching me. So I would sit at meals and just push my food around my plate. I began rapidly losing weight and I had never felt so good about my image before. I was losing so much weight so fast. I loved it. When I got back home, I continued the restricting, but still, almost every night I would give in and binge. Even with the restricting during the day, I began putting on all that weight I had just loss. That's when my good ole friend bulimia came back to the rescue.
This cycle of restricting, bingeing, purging continued for over a year until I met the man I am still with today. He's made me feel more comfortable with my body than I've ever been, and he's made me realize that if I'm going to lose weight, I need to do it in a healthy way. I still have days when I restrict. I still have days when I binge and purge. I actually just recently got my first official diagnosis of bulimia. This is the beginning of recovery, though. I am on my way to eating a healthy amount, not too much and not too little, every day. I am starting to feel happier and more content with myself than I have ever been.
To anyone reading this, it isn't worth it. The bingeing to fill that emptiness, it's unhealthy and not worth it. The restricting and purging to lose/prevent weight, it's unhealthy and not worth it. It isn't about being skinny, it's about being healthy. You deserve it. Your body deserves to be loved, so go out and love yourself. Nourish yourself and take care of your body, because it's the only one you got.
Happy recovery! <3
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